I have come to realize that I have this obsession with rugs. Let me explain. For as far back as I can remember, I have been a people pleaser, a parent pleaser, and a God pleaser. As a people pleaser, I always try and make everyone happy, even if it puts me out somehow. As a parent pleaser, I have always tried to make my parents super proud and at times prove to them (or maybe it was to myself) that I was the best. As a God pleaser, I have always been that good kid who is involved at church, doesn't swear or talk dirty, upholds purity, etc. The typical goody goody church kid. I am not trying to make myself sound good here, but I want you to be able to understand me a little better. So coming out of high school I thought I was pretty accomplished. I had every cord you could get hanging around my neck on commencement day, was salutatorian, was athlete of the year, got some special honors through the school, made a varsity team in college, had a great boyfriend at the time, blah blah blah...
See, I have to succeed. I have to be good at it or I won't do it...because I don't like to fail. You are saying, "duh Jordan, who does?". But this is something deeper; a loathing that runs through my veins. To the very core of my heart.
And that is where my obsession for rugs comes in. I, for so long, have taken the failures, shortcomings and weaknesses in my life and swept them under a rug. Needless to say, I have quite the collection of rugs. They run in all shapes and sizes, depending on the issue that is beneath them. You see, I have to hide these weaknesses and failures. I can't stand seeing them. I am so incredibly quick to push issues to where I am unable to see them.
This really came to my attention the other day when my mom emailed me about this very topic. Here are snippets from her email:
"The other day I was thinking about you and your life and I wondered what it was that kept you from being truly content with yourself. None of us are perfect and we all have our own strengths and weaknesses. Both of these areas, 'strengths and weaknesses' are vital to a person’s well being. Strengths are easy, we love them, but the area of weakness, well, that gets a little more difficult to deal with. That’s where my thoughts of you and your life came to my mind."
(She had been trying to talk to me about a poor decision I had made)
"It was the weirdest thing, Jordan, I actually watched you transform before my eyes into this 7 year old kid who could not talk about it, and then you looked and acted as if you were having a breakdown. That really concerns me honey. You literally could not go to that place in your mind. Of course no one likes to look at their weaknesses or past failures, and sometimes it can hurt so much to face them. But Jordan, you’ve got to start learning how to deal with them."
"I think that once you’re able to “really” deal with your failures and weaknesses even to the point of being able to laugh at your shortcomings once in awhile, will not only add to your self esteem and the ability to love yourself warts and all, but will develop within you the beauty of humility that will be seen by those around you."
"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
His power is made perfect in my weakness. I think of how much power I have been missing out on because I am unable to face my failures. In this chapter, Paul doesn't just say "admit" to his weaknesses...he says he boasts about them. Boasts. Meaning he made it very evident to everyone; and probably talked about them a lot. So many of my inner dark struggles have probably branched from the fact that I can't face my own shortcomings.
I get drained from trying to hide the sucky parts of my life. I don't want people to see them, and most of all, I don't want to see them. Paul says that he had this thorn in his side (who knows exactly what that was) and asked God three times to take it away, but the Lord told him that His grace was sufficient for Paul. We don't have to bear the weight of our sin. His grace is enough for me. I don't need to try so hard to hide my weaknesses. I need to learn to have Christ's power be made perfect through them.
So when I am weak, when I mess up, when I can't do it on my own...that is when I am strong because I need Him; the Almighty. This is a process, not just a change on a whim. It is something I am learning and working on. I struggle with it every single day. These rugs though? They have to go. How can I be made strong if my weaknesses and failures are hidden? Therefor I am in the process of, and challenge you as well to...
burn the rugs.
