Diagnoses

I have recently been diagnosed with an addiction. Yes, an addiction. I am not proud of this, nor have I ever realized just how much it has consumed and ruled my life. Don't worry, I am going through rehab currently. What is this struggle you may ask?

Approval addiction.

I know this because my life up until this point has reflected the following of symptoms: We find ourselves getting hurt by what others say about us, by people expressing other than glowing opinions of us, we are constantly comparing ourselves to others, we find ourselves getting competitive in ordinary situations, we live with the sense that we aren't important enough or special enough, we get envious of other's successes, if we try and impress important people, etc. ( from a book by John Piper)

When criticism makes me angry and a negative word depresses me; when a little praise can raise my spirits and when a bit of success excites me, I know I have a problem. So often we walk around with this "generalized other," being a group of people in your life whose opinion about you matters so much that it is their judgement by which we measure our success and failures. The problem is that we are just too easily satisfied! We are satisfied with the approval of others and we end up robbing ourselves of God's best by seeking others mere good. This doesn't mean that our desire for recognition is wrong, it just means we are looking in the wrong place.

This whole topic of approval has been a slap in the face to me. My sin and misguided mindset has been drug into the light, and boy is it big, hairy and ugly. How have I let this snowball for so long without being able to pinpoint the main problem. No wonder I feel so overwhelmed and burdened by the what I think the opinions of others are. One of the biggest things that has stuck out to me in this is with guy. I am guilty of trying so hard to prove myself worthy of a mans affection. Because I have a great desire to be with someone for life, I tend to be constantly making myself available and putting myself out there in order to not go unnoticed. But in reality, I don't want a man to fall in love with what I have presented to him; I want him to have watched me when no one is looking and see my heart and character.

Recently I have been really aware of reflecting on the reasons and motives behind why I am doing whatever I am doing or saying. I have been trying to take every thought captive and evaluate, and let me tell you, it is sickening to really acknowledge my selfishness, insecurities and pride.

In the sermon on the mount in Matthew 6, Jesus is speaking about the heart; about motive He gives us the opportunity to have freedom from approval addiction with the key phrase "in the secret." I have read these passages before, but never really realized how much doing things in the secret is emphasized. Scripture tells us that our rewards are not here on earth and that we don't need or want to settle for earthly rewards, a.k.a. the approval of humans. Are they not just has weak and sinful as ourselves?

The thing is, we are already approved in the Lord's eyes because of what Jesus Christ did on the cross and when we feel the need to seek the approval of others, it is if we are saying that what He did for us wasn't enough, that we need more. It all goes back to the cross.

Another area in my life that I seek approval is my God-given talents. I was thinking the other day that I rarely ever sing to the Lord in secret. I usually do because someone asks me to or I am leading worship, or maybe even a bit of me wants someone to hear me. Same with my artwork. It such a dangerous trap that I am determined to get out of. I want to be able to sing to my King without anyone in earshot and be totally satisfied to know that it was music to His ears only and He was well pleased. Secrecy is a spiritual discipline. That is a fact! We have to be diligent in practicing it so that we can overcome this addiction to human approval.

Lord, Galatians 1:10 says, "Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ." I pray that this would be constantly on my heart. God, weed out the sin that so easily entangles my life. I pray that my life would start reflecting this rehab that my heart is going through. That every time I receive praise I would respond in my heart thanking you, that every time I get up to sing in front of people, my heart would only be in front of you. You have the power over addictions and I pray that your power would reign in my life through prayer and spiritual discipline. Bless my life and enlarge my territory.