So as I was taking my friend Aubree back to the airport in Buffalo last Tuesday, I decided to make a vow of singleness. You are probably thinking, "What? Jordan you are crazy." And yes, this is exactly what I said to Kaylin when she first said she was taking the vow to be single forever. Of course, she didn't really mean forever forever, but nevertheless, I deemed her psycho. I mean come on, who doesn't love the attention of the opposite sex?
It seemed though, as we get older, the pressure to find a spouse increases. Especially at a Christian school. So of course, as girls, my friends and I are constantly talking about boys and who we are going to marry, or who we can see each other with. And by NO means is any of this talk wrong, but it can lead to this daunting state of not being content....one which I feel as though I have been in for many, many years. One that, if I didn't have a boy in my life, left me feeling empty and unwanted.
So that is how I solved it. I had boys. Most short lived, a few longer, and one 3 years. And the times when there wasn't a boy in my life I had crushes. (the ones that you daydream about constantly and wish that you would run into everywhere you go...you know the kind) This semester comes around and sure enough, so do the boy interests. What I don't understand is that if God wants me to be patient and wait around for just the right guy that he has for me, then why does he bring around all these other random ones that I could possibly date. And that is what happened not too long ago. A guy that I had met in a crazy and embarrassing way of which I will not share with you, decided after hanging out with me a few times that I just wasn't the one. Now I did respect the way he did this and don't hold it against him. But of course, my pride was hurt.
Which could possibly be the reason to which I initially wanted to take this half serious vow of singleness. But now, after claiming my vow for the past week, I have decided is something that I need. I yearn for that contentment in my heart. I know that God created a desire in me for a husband, and I claim that truth. But I also know the truth that his timing is perfect. I want so bad for my desire for the Lord to consume me more than a desire for a mate. God, why is it so hard? Logically, it should be easy to desire God more; I mean He is the creator of the universe and the one who offers eternal life, not to mention protects and provides for us. But my flesh, my stupid worldly flesh, tells me that I need a man to be complete. The devil knows that is where my weakness lies.
In reality, my vow a singleness is more of a vow of contentment than anything. I call it my vow of singleness as more of a mind game I play with myself....how long can I be single and not worry about dating or finding someone? Knowing that my tendency is to seek the attention of the male gender, I am in a sense trying to prove myself wrong. I want to learn to be content before I meet my husband; to use my own passions and gifts as an offering to the Lord. I want to fall so in love with my Savior that I would be totally happy living with Him as the only man in my life for the rest of my life. That is truly what I want out of this vow.
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