"Loneliness is a required course for leadership."- Elisabeth Elliot
My good friend Andrea quoted me this simple phrase a few weeks ago as I told her my anticipation for the coming school year; my anticipation being that I felt as though it was going to be a lonely year for me this coming school year. Not in sense that I won't be around people, but I guess just in my spirit. I can't really explain this feeling, but I was experiencing it last night as I lay down to sleep. I was picturing Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane, anticipating his death. Not saying that mine is anything that dramatic, but who really enjoys loneliness? I despise it.
Getting to school and actually seeing some tendencies proving that loneliness may very well be lurking around the corner was a bit frightening. Lots of small clues, such as all but one of my housemates have significant others, including now, my best friend, which in itself is hard. Regardless of this, the Lord has given me a peace.
I think to the quote by Elisabeth Elliot. Loneliness is a required course for leadership.
I have always known that the Lord has given me leadership qualities, but now seeing how He is utilizing them, pushing me further and holding me to higher standards, has brought my relationship with Him to a whole new level. I don't think it is coincidence that I am reading and studying David right now. David spent many of his early years as a shepherd boy, out in the fields alone, just him and God. I am sure at times loneliness plagued David; you can see proof in some of his psalms. David had to learn to depend on the Lord, because that is all he had. There is no doubt in my mind that God's plan was perfect in Davids life, forcing him to learn while he was young to rely solely on the LORD amidst the pangs of loneliness. And through this, David developed some essentials for his role of leadership as King.
So though this may be a year of loneliness, I know that it is required for leadership; and I am ready and willing to take it on headstrong. I am excited to see how the Lord is going to be revealed to me as I am forced to consistently turn to Him. I am excited to see what songs and psalms come from this field dwelling season of my life. I am excited to sit in the wide open and sing only to the King. The wildflowers of hope sprinkle this field of mine, encouraging me that all things work together for the good.
Even all alone in a field.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Diagnoses
I have recently been diagnosed with an addiction. Yes, an addiction. I am not proud of this, nor have I ever realized just how much it has consumed and ruled my life. Don't worry, I am going through rehab currently. What is this struggle you may ask?
Approval addiction.
I know this because my life up until this point has reflected the following of symptoms: We find ourselves getting hurt by what others say about us, by people expressing other than glowing opinions of us, we are constantly comparing ourselves to others, we find ourselves getting competitive in ordinary situations, we live with the sense that we aren't important enough or special enough, we get envious of other's successes, if we try and impress important people, etc. ( from a book by John Piper)
When criticism makes me angry and a negative word depresses me; when a little praise can raise my spirits and when a bit of success excites me, I know I have a problem. So often we walk around with this "generalized other," being a group of people in your life whose opinion about you matters so much that it is their judgement by which we measure our success and failures. The problem is that we are just too easily satisfied! We are satisfied with the approval of others and we end up robbing ourselves of God's best by seeking others mere good. This doesn't mean that our desire for recognition is wrong, it just means we are looking in the wrong place.
This whole topic of approval has been a slap in the face to me. My sin and misguided mindset has been drug into the light, and boy is it big, hairy and ugly. How have I let this snowball for so long without being able to pinpoint the main problem. No wonder I feel so overwhelmed and burdened by the what I think the opinions of others are. One of the biggest things that has stuck out to me in this is with guy. I am guilty of trying so hard to prove myself worthy of a mans affection. Because I have a great desire to be with someone for life, I tend to be constantly making myself available and putting myself out there in order to not go unnoticed. But in reality, I don't want a man to fall in love with what I have presented to him; I want him to have watched me when no one is looking and see my heart and character.
Recently I have been really aware of reflecting on the reasons and motives behind why I am doing whatever I am doing or saying. I have been trying to take every thought captive and evaluate, and let me tell you, it is sickening to really acknowledge my selfishness, insecurities and pride.
In the sermon on the mount in Matthew 6, Jesus is speaking about the heart; about motive He gives us the opportunity to have freedom from approval addiction with the key phrase "in the secret." I have read these passages before, but never really realized how much doing things in the secret is emphasized. Scripture tells us that our rewards are not here on earth and that we don't need or want to settle for earthly rewards, a.k.a. the approval of humans. Are they not just has weak and sinful as ourselves?
The thing is, we are already approved in the Lord's eyes because of what Jesus Christ did on the cross and when we feel the need to seek the approval of others, it is if we are saying that what He did for us wasn't enough, that we need more. It all goes back to the cross.
Another area in my life that I seek approval is my God-given talents. I was thinking the other day that I rarely ever sing to the Lord in secret. I usually do because someone asks me to or I am leading worship, or maybe even a bit of me wants someone to hear me. Same with my artwork. It such a dangerous trap that I am determined to get out of. I want to be able to sing to my King without anyone in earshot and be totally satisfied to know that it was music to His ears only and He was well pleased. Secrecy is a spiritual discipline. That is a fact! We have to be diligent in practicing it so that we can overcome this addiction to human approval.
Lord, Galatians 1:10 says, "Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ." I pray that this would be constantly on my heart. God, weed out the sin that so easily entangles my life. I pray that my life would start reflecting this rehab that my heart is going through. That every time I receive praise I would respond in my heart thanking you, that every time I get up to sing in front of people, my heart would only be in front of you. You have the power over addictions and I pray that your power would reign in my life through prayer and spiritual discipline. Bless my life and enlarge my territory.
Approval addiction.
I know this because my life up until this point has reflected the following of symptoms: We find ourselves getting hurt by what others say about us, by people expressing other than glowing opinions of us, we are constantly comparing ourselves to others, we find ourselves getting competitive in ordinary situations, we live with the sense that we aren't important enough or special enough, we get envious of other's successes, if we try and impress important people, etc. ( from a book by John Piper)
When criticism makes me angry and a negative word depresses me; when a little praise can raise my spirits and when a bit of success excites me, I know I have a problem. So often we walk around with this "generalized other," being a group of people in your life whose opinion about you matters so much that it is their judgement by which we measure our success and failures. The problem is that we are just too easily satisfied! We are satisfied with the approval of others and we end up robbing ourselves of God's best by seeking others mere good. This doesn't mean that our desire for recognition is wrong, it just means we are looking in the wrong place.
This whole topic of approval has been a slap in the face to me. My sin and misguided mindset has been drug into the light, and boy is it big, hairy and ugly. How have I let this snowball for so long without being able to pinpoint the main problem. No wonder I feel so overwhelmed and burdened by the what I think the opinions of others are. One of the biggest things that has stuck out to me in this is with guy. I am guilty of trying so hard to prove myself worthy of a mans affection. Because I have a great desire to be with someone for life, I tend to be constantly making myself available and putting myself out there in order to not go unnoticed. But in reality, I don't want a man to fall in love with what I have presented to him; I want him to have watched me when no one is looking and see my heart and character.
Recently I have been really aware of reflecting on the reasons and motives behind why I am doing whatever I am doing or saying. I have been trying to take every thought captive and evaluate, and let me tell you, it is sickening to really acknowledge my selfishness, insecurities and pride.
In the sermon on the mount in Matthew 6, Jesus is speaking about the heart; about motive He gives us the opportunity to have freedom from approval addiction with the key phrase "in the secret." I have read these passages before, but never really realized how much doing things in the secret is emphasized. Scripture tells us that our rewards are not here on earth and that we don't need or want to settle for earthly rewards, a.k.a. the approval of humans. Are they not just has weak and sinful as ourselves?
The thing is, we are already approved in the Lord's eyes because of what Jesus Christ did on the cross and when we feel the need to seek the approval of others, it is if we are saying that what He did for us wasn't enough, that we need more. It all goes back to the cross.
Another area in my life that I seek approval is my God-given talents. I was thinking the other day that I rarely ever sing to the Lord in secret. I usually do because someone asks me to or I am leading worship, or maybe even a bit of me wants someone to hear me. Same with my artwork. It such a dangerous trap that I am determined to get out of. I want to be able to sing to my King without anyone in earshot and be totally satisfied to know that it was music to His ears only and He was well pleased. Secrecy is a spiritual discipline. That is a fact! We have to be diligent in practicing it so that we can overcome this addiction to human approval.
Lord, Galatians 1:10 says, "Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ." I pray that this would be constantly on my heart. God, weed out the sin that so easily entangles my life. I pray that my life would start reflecting this rehab that my heart is going through. That every time I receive praise I would respond in my heart thanking you, that every time I get up to sing in front of people, my heart would only be in front of you. You have the power over addictions and I pray that your power would reign in my life through prayer and spiritual discipline. Bless my life and enlarge my territory.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Jesus, I am resting, resting
Last night we had girls night. One of the girls on leadership's mom came and spoke to all of us girls. Our theme for girls night over the summer is Biblical Femininity and our roles as christian women. Laura's mom did such a nice job touching on so many different topics that us as women struggle with. One of these topics was contentment. She said if we look back in Genesis when Adam and Eve were in the garden, God had given the entire garden to them! Everything in it was for their use and for their benefit... except one tree. It is interesting that Satan used that one tree as a foothold for Eve. He fed her the lies that God has holding out on her and that she wasn't able to experience all that she could if she was able to eat from the tree. He planted a seed of discontentment in her heart. There was something she didn't have, so she needed to do something about it.
Discontentment is probably one of the biggest struggles for women. Are bodies aren't right, we aren't smart enough, pretty enough, talented enough. We are discontent with being single and lonely. We want to be pursued, we don't have the right job or enough money. It is never ending! She also talked about how fear and discontentment walk hand and hand. We have a fear of being lonely and not finding anyone, so we are discontent with being single. We fear what others think so we are discontent with the way the Lord made us.
Another issue Laura's mom talked about was 1 Peter 3:3-4 where it talks about women having a quiet and gentle spirit. I would always get discouraged at this verse because I am a pretty outgoing and sometimes loud person. This verse is talking about a spirit though, not personality. You can have a big personality but have a quiet and gentle spirit; and in the same way, we can have a quiet and gentle personality but not be at peace inside. It is believed that in that verse when Peter is referring to quiet and gentle spirit he is meaning a spirit that is not stirred up but anxiety and worry. This is personally convicting to me because there are many times where my spirit is not at rest; but full of concern and worry... wondering what is going to come next.
Lord teach me to have a true quiet and gentle spirit that is not stirred up by anxiety and worry, but rests in your peace that passes understanding.
Jesus I am resting, resting
In the Joy of what Thou art;
I am finding out the greatness
Of Thy loving heart.
Thou hast bid me gaze upon Thee,
And Thy beauty fills my soul,
For by Thy transforming power
Thou hast made me whole.
Jesus, I am resting, resting
In the joy of what Thou art;
I am finding out the greatness
Of Thy loving heart.
O how great Thy loving kindness.
Vaster, broader than the sea!
O how marvellous Thy goodness,
Lavished all on me!
Yes, I rest in Thee, Beloved,
Know Thy certainty of promise,
And have made it mine.
Simply trusting Thee, Lord Jesus,
I behold Thee as Thou art,
And Thy love, so pure, so changeless,
Satisfies my heart;
Satisfies its deepest longings,
Meets supplies its every need,
Compasseth me round with blessings;
Thine is love indeed!
Ever lift Thy face upon me,
As I work and wait for Thee;
Resting 'neath Thy smile, Lord Jesus,
Earth's dark shadows flee.
Brightness of my Father's glory,
Sunshine of my Father's face,
Keep me ever trusting, resting;
Fill me with Thy grace.
Discontentment is probably one of the biggest struggles for women. Are bodies aren't right, we aren't smart enough, pretty enough, talented enough. We are discontent with being single and lonely. We want to be pursued, we don't have the right job or enough money. It is never ending! She also talked about how fear and discontentment walk hand and hand. We have a fear of being lonely and not finding anyone, so we are discontent with being single. We fear what others think so we are discontent with the way the Lord made us.
Another issue Laura's mom talked about was 1 Peter 3:3-4 where it talks about women having a quiet and gentle spirit. I would always get discouraged at this verse because I am a pretty outgoing and sometimes loud person. This verse is talking about a spirit though, not personality. You can have a big personality but have a quiet and gentle spirit; and in the same way, we can have a quiet and gentle personality but not be at peace inside. It is believed that in that verse when Peter is referring to quiet and gentle spirit he is meaning a spirit that is not stirred up but anxiety and worry. This is personally convicting to me because there are many times where my spirit is not at rest; but full of concern and worry... wondering what is going to come next.
Lord teach me to have a true quiet and gentle spirit that is not stirred up by anxiety and worry, but rests in your peace that passes understanding.
Jesus I am resting, resting
In the Joy of what Thou art;
I am finding out the greatness
Of Thy loving heart.
Thou hast bid me gaze upon Thee,
And Thy beauty fills my soul,
For by Thy transforming power
Thou hast made me whole.
Jesus, I am resting, resting
In the joy of what Thou art;
I am finding out the greatness
Of Thy loving heart.
O how great Thy loving kindness.
Vaster, broader than the sea!
O how marvellous Thy goodness,
Lavished all on me!
Yes, I rest in Thee, Beloved,
Know Thy certainty of promise,
And have made it mine.
Simply trusting Thee, Lord Jesus,
I behold Thee as Thou art,
And Thy love, so pure, so changeless,
Satisfies my heart;
Satisfies its deepest longings,
Meets supplies its every need,
Compasseth me round with blessings;
Thine is love indeed!
Ever lift Thy face upon me,
As I work and wait for Thee;
Resting 'neath Thy smile, Lord Jesus,
Earth's dark shadows flee.
Brightness of my Father's glory,
Sunshine of my Father's face,
Keep me ever trusting, resting;
Fill me with Thy grace.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Try not. Do
I just left T-Mo's office. He has been constantly encouraging me to pursue my music. He even gave me an email address of someone he thinks I should talk to. While I was driving back from the wedding in Houghton the other day, I asked Kaylin what her greatest desire to do with her life after school is. When she returned the question to me, I began to really wrestle. I knew what was realistic for me to think, which was searching for a job in the communications major. It was so funny because when I told T-Mo that I was trying to be realistic about this he laughed at me. "Realistic is a funny word" he said. Then he read me part of this sermon that was up on his computer and he was reading right before I came in:
Often we use the word “try” signifying a lack of faith in God’s reality. By try, we often mean having the desire to do and more often than not, falling short. Many say “try” because the foundations of Christianity, revealed in Scripture, have not translated those eighteen inches from the head to the heart. She said, “I believe what you’re
saying, but I am thinking realistically.” Realistically?? Are you serious? For with God nothing will be impossible (Luke 1:37). God quickens [makes alive] the dead and calls those things that are not as though they were (Romans 4:17). God is able to do exceeding, abundantly; above ALL we could ask or think (Ephesians 3:20), and saints have the audacity to use the word “realistically!” As previously stated, one cannot be a disciple of Christ and be a realist, unless living in God’s reality. Yes, what I am saying is “ideal,” and I desire to fully grasp and live it myself, but it is what the God of the Bible requests (Matthew 5:48; I Peter 1:13-16).
Ironic? Ha, naaah...God. What my heart would love to do and has been a dream of mine forever? Sing. I want to sing! I want to use music to bring people into a relationship with Jesus Christ and bless them as much as possible. I want to serve people through music. When I sing, I experience a joy like nothing else I do.
So when I plopped myself down in T-Mo's office and essentially said "this is my desire, now what do I do? I am willing to try." Of course he had a Star Wars clip he wanted me to watch. It was the scene were Yoda is teaching Luke and tells him "No! Try not. Do, or do not. There is no try." Luke says, "I can't, its too big." Yoda tells him size does not matter. Luke states, "You want the impossible." Yoda then proceeds to do the task for Luke....Luke is in shock and says "I don't believe it!" Yoda's words are still ringing in my ears. He replies, "That is why you fail."
Who am I to say that it isn't possible. I told T-Mo I was afraid to fail. He told me that was because there is still a piece of me that cares about what I will look like to people. Pride. I don't want to look bad. I think about all the times when I walk off the stage unhappy with the way I sounded. Following the Lords will and having faith means there very well may be times when I look like I have failed to the world around me.
"God gives us passions that bring us to life." God speaks through T-Mo and I am so thankful he is around this summer. I think about the things I am passionate about: the academy girls, singing, missions... These things bring me to life. I feel a fire in my spirit when I do them. I know singing is a desire of mine, a passion. I need to be patient and wait on the Lord. But patience doesn't mean being inactive. It is hard because it is not a matter of if I want to do it or not; it's more of if I truly believe it can happen. And I know it can, because we serve a big God, but does my heart really believe it?
"Faith is getting a word from God and acting upon it. You see, you can get a word from God and believe that word. That is belief. But, when you act upon it; that is faith. Faith is belief with legs on it. " (Online Devotional from Love Worth Finding Ministries, DLD: 9/11/04).
God, I am willing. You know I love to sing. You know that it is my dream to be an artist that brings glory to your name and not my own. I don't understand why this is coming up now, but I know it is no accident and your timing is perfect. I pray for wisdom. I pray that you will lead my heart and that you will open up opportunities for me if this is what I am to do. I am ready to step out in faith, even if it looks like I have failed to the people around me. Rid me of the pride that so easily entangles me. Lord, I cannot do this on my own. I am excited Lord. I trust you. I trust your will to be done. Lead me.
Often we use the word “try” signifying a lack of faith in God’s reality. By try, we often mean having the desire to do and more often than not, falling short. Many say “try” because the foundations of Christianity, revealed in Scripture, have not translated those eighteen inches from the head to the heart. She said, “I believe what you’re
saying, but I am thinking realistically.” Realistically?? Are you serious? For with God nothing will be impossible (Luke 1:37). God quickens [makes alive] the dead and calls those things that are not as though they were (Romans 4:17). God is able to do exceeding, abundantly; above ALL we could ask or think (Ephesians 3:20), and saints have the audacity to use the word “realistically!” As previously stated, one cannot be a disciple of Christ and be a realist, unless living in God’s reality. Yes, what I am saying is “ideal,” and I desire to fully grasp and live it myself, but it is what the God of the Bible requests (Matthew 5:48; I Peter 1:13-16).
Ironic? Ha, naaah...God. What my heart would love to do and has been a dream of mine forever? Sing. I want to sing! I want to use music to bring people into a relationship with Jesus Christ and bless them as much as possible. I want to serve people through music. When I sing, I experience a joy like nothing else I do.
So when I plopped myself down in T-Mo's office and essentially said "this is my desire, now what do I do? I am willing to try." Of course he had a Star Wars clip he wanted me to watch. It was the scene were Yoda is teaching Luke and tells him "No! Try not. Do, or do not. There is no try." Luke says, "I can't, its too big." Yoda tells him size does not matter. Luke states, "You want the impossible." Yoda then proceeds to do the task for Luke....Luke is in shock and says "I don't believe it!" Yoda's words are still ringing in my ears. He replies, "That is why you fail."
Who am I to say that it isn't possible. I told T-Mo I was afraid to fail. He told me that was because there is still a piece of me that cares about what I will look like to people. Pride. I don't want to look bad. I think about all the times when I walk off the stage unhappy with the way I sounded. Following the Lords will and having faith means there very well may be times when I look like I have failed to the world around me.
"God gives us passions that bring us to life." God speaks through T-Mo and I am so thankful he is around this summer. I think about the things I am passionate about: the academy girls, singing, missions... These things bring me to life. I feel a fire in my spirit when I do them. I know singing is a desire of mine, a passion. I need to be patient and wait on the Lord. But patience doesn't mean being inactive. It is hard because it is not a matter of if I want to do it or not; it's more of if I truly believe it can happen. And I know it can, because we serve a big God, but does my heart really believe it?
"Faith is getting a word from God and acting upon it. You see, you can get a word from God and believe that word. That is belief. But, when you act upon it; that is faith. Faith is belief with legs on it. " (Online Devotional from Love Worth Finding Ministries, DLD: 9/11/04).
God, I am willing. You know I love to sing. You know that it is my dream to be an artist that brings glory to your name and not my own. I don't understand why this is coming up now, but I know it is no accident and your timing is perfect. I pray for wisdom. I pray that you will lead my heart and that you will open up opportunities for me if this is what I am to do. I am ready to step out in faith, even if it looks like I have failed to the people around me. Rid me of the pride that so easily entangles me. Lord, I cannot do this on my own. I am excited Lord. I trust you. I trust your will to be done. Lead me.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Stranger on the Shore
Wow, it has been way to long. Well, I am currently working as the videographer at Summer's Best Two Weeks in Boswell, Pennsylvania. It has been quite the job so far....I say this in a good way of course. From the time I arrived here I have been pushed and challenged in so many ways. I was one of the first "leadership" staff to arrive and I wasn't really sure of my role yet; Basically I felt extremely inadequate. At one point I just broke down and cried because I really believed the lie that I wasn't worthy of this leadership position. Satan was whispering to me that I wasn't spiritual enough, that I wasn't old enough and that people wouldn't respect me, and that people would just be annoyed at the "newb". The Lord is faithful though, isn't He? The very next morning the Lord gave me the very 2 Timothy 1:7 that says, "For the Lord gave us not the spirit of fear, but of power and love and self-control."
Our theme of this summer here at camp is "Follow Me." So many of the sermons have been themed around this. As the videographer, Kent (the director of camp) asked if I would take a clip from The Gospel of John video and put it to a Michael Cart song called "Stranger on the Shore." I heard the song and it sounded old school, but I was like "whatevs" and clipped it together. Now as I am finishing up, I am watching the video and listening to the words and am so moved! This stranger on the shore yells out to the disciples in the boat and tells me them to drop there nets into the water, and of course, they come up with a ton of fish! John recognized that it was Jesus and then Peter jumps into the water and swims to Jesus. He was excited to see Him! The get to shore and Jesus has a fire ready and food for them to eat. The next part of the song says:
You need to be confronted
By the Stranger on the shore
You need to have Him search your soul
You need to hear the call
You need to learn exactly
What it means for you to follow
You need to realize that He's asking for your all...
They didn't realize that He was searching all their souls
Then came the painful questions
That would pierce the soul of Simon
A three fold chance to reaffirm the love he had denied
The gentle eyes that saw his heart
And waited for an answer
Had seen the look upon his face
The moment he had lied
I have heard this story so many times...but there was something about visualizing it on the video and seeing Jesus ask Peter 3 times if he loved Him. Peter, becoming more broken with each repeated question. I can relate to Peter. We all can. The same Peter who had denied Jesus out of fear was now having to sit face to face with Jesus and answer an unremarkably hard question: Do you love me? The love here Jesus uses is Agape (ultimate, self-sacrificing love)....but Peter answers with Phileo (brotherly love). Jesus is pleading with Peter to give him everything. Peter, if you love me, feed my lambs; take care of my sheep; feed my sheep. Peter was hurt by the third time Jesus asked, but that repetition was ensuring Peter to really evaluate his love for Christ.
"Jordan, do you love me? Then do my work." I can picture His gentle eyes filled with love and compassion, passing no judgement at all, staring intently into my eyes and straight to the heart. He doesnt have to ask, He knows. Yet he wants me to verbalize my love for Him. I want to cry at His tender tone of voice. I want to scream at Him, "Yes Jesus! I do love you! You know that! Why do you keep asking me?" I am speechless. I know I don't have the answer that he wants. Phileo I have, and I am confident in it. Agape though? I want it. I yearn for it. Jesus I need it! "Follow me" He says, I began to look at other people and compare. "What about them Jesus?" I say. Jordan, if you love me, follow me. I stand and feel the cool sand between my toes. The decision is imminent as Jesus begins walking; do I follow Jesus, surrendering all of my own desires for the rest of my life? Or do I stay seated next to the fire. Jesus words "Do you love me?" ring so loudly in my ears that I am temped to throw my hands up and cover them! Yes Jesus. It is what I want. I want to love you with Agape love and I want to follow you wherever you lead me.
The end of the song is my charge to you:
Now realize that you must
Face and answer all His questions
As you stand before the Stranger
On the shore inside your heart
Our theme of this summer here at camp is "Follow Me." So many of the sermons have been themed around this. As the videographer, Kent (the director of camp) asked if I would take a clip from The Gospel of John video and put it to a Michael Cart song called "Stranger on the Shore." I heard the song and it sounded old school, but I was like "whatevs" and clipped it together. Now as I am finishing up, I am watching the video and listening to the words and am so moved! This stranger on the shore yells out to the disciples in the boat and tells me them to drop there nets into the water, and of course, they come up with a ton of fish! John recognized that it was Jesus and then Peter jumps into the water and swims to Jesus. He was excited to see Him! The get to shore and Jesus has a fire ready and food for them to eat. The next part of the song says:
You need to be confronted
By the Stranger on the shore
You need to have Him search your soul
You need to hear the call
You need to learn exactly
What it means for you to follow
You need to realize that He's asking for your all...
They didn't realize that He was searching all their souls
Then came the painful questions
That would pierce the soul of Simon
A three fold chance to reaffirm the love he had denied
The gentle eyes that saw his heart
And waited for an answer
Had seen the look upon his face
The moment he had lied
I have heard this story so many times...but there was something about visualizing it on the video and seeing Jesus ask Peter 3 times if he loved Him. Peter, becoming more broken with each repeated question. I can relate to Peter. We all can. The same Peter who had denied Jesus out of fear was now having to sit face to face with Jesus and answer an unremarkably hard question: Do you love me? The love here Jesus uses is Agape (ultimate, self-sacrificing love)....but Peter answers with Phileo (brotherly love). Jesus is pleading with Peter to give him everything. Peter, if you love me, feed my lambs; take care of my sheep; feed my sheep. Peter was hurt by the third time Jesus asked, but that repetition was ensuring Peter to really evaluate his love for Christ.
"Jordan, do you love me? Then do my work." I can picture His gentle eyes filled with love and compassion, passing no judgement at all, staring intently into my eyes and straight to the heart. He doesnt have to ask, He knows. Yet he wants me to verbalize my love for Him. I want to cry at His tender tone of voice. I want to scream at Him, "Yes Jesus! I do love you! You know that! Why do you keep asking me?" I am speechless. I know I don't have the answer that he wants. Phileo I have, and I am confident in it. Agape though? I want it. I yearn for it. Jesus I need it! "Follow me" He says, I began to look at other people and compare. "What about them Jesus?" I say. Jordan, if you love me, follow me. I stand and feel the cool sand between my toes. The decision is imminent as Jesus begins walking; do I follow Jesus, surrendering all of my own desires for the rest of my life? Or do I stay seated next to the fire. Jesus words "Do you love me?" ring so loudly in my ears that I am temped to throw my hands up and cover them! Yes Jesus. It is what I want. I want to love you with Agape love and I want to follow you wherever you lead me.
The end of the song is my charge to you:
Now realize that you must
Face and answer all His questions
As you stand before the Stranger
On the shore inside your heart
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Burn the Rugs
I am just going to state this before I get too deep in writing that this post is one that I am dreading to write. But nevertheless, here we go....
I have come to realize that I have this obsession with rugs. Let me explain. For as far back as I can remember, I have been a people pleaser, a parent pleaser, and a God pleaser. As a people pleaser, I always try and make everyone happy, even if it puts me out somehow. As a parent pleaser, I have always tried to make my parents super proud and at times prove to them (or maybe it was to myself) that I was the best. As a God pleaser, I have always been that good kid who is involved at church, doesn't swear or talk dirty, upholds purity, etc. The typical goody goody church kid. I am not trying to make myself sound good here, but I want you to be able to understand me a little better. So coming out of high school I thought I was pretty accomplished. I had every cord you could get hanging around my neck on commencement day, was salutatorian, was athlete of the year, got some special honors through the school, made a varsity team in college, had a great boyfriend at the time, blah blah blah...
See, I have to succeed. I have to be good at it or I won't do it...because I don't like to fail. You are saying, "duh Jordan, who does?". But this is something deeper; a loathing that runs through my veins. To the very core of my heart.
And that is where my obsession for rugs comes in. I, for so long, have taken the failures, shortcomings and weaknesses in my life and swept them under a rug. Needless to say, I have quite the collection of rugs. They run in all shapes and sizes, depending on the issue that is beneath them. You see, I have to hide these weaknesses and failures. I can't stand seeing them. I am so incredibly quick to push issues to where I am unable to see them.
This really came to my attention the other day when my mom emailed me about this very topic. Here are snippets from her email:
I have come to realize that I have this obsession with rugs. Let me explain. For as far back as I can remember, I have been a people pleaser, a parent pleaser, and a God pleaser. As a people pleaser, I always try and make everyone happy, even if it puts me out somehow. As a parent pleaser, I have always tried to make my parents super proud and at times prove to them (or maybe it was to myself) that I was the best. As a God pleaser, I have always been that good kid who is involved at church, doesn't swear or talk dirty, upholds purity, etc. The typical goody goody church kid. I am not trying to make myself sound good here, but I want you to be able to understand me a little better. So coming out of high school I thought I was pretty accomplished. I had every cord you could get hanging around my neck on commencement day, was salutatorian, was athlete of the year, got some special honors through the school, made a varsity team in college, had a great boyfriend at the time, blah blah blah...
See, I have to succeed. I have to be good at it or I won't do it...because I don't like to fail. You are saying, "duh Jordan, who does?". But this is something deeper; a loathing that runs through my veins. To the very core of my heart.
And that is where my obsession for rugs comes in. I, for so long, have taken the failures, shortcomings and weaknesses in my life and swept them under a rug. Needless to say, I have quite the collection of rugs. They run in all shapes and sizes, depending on the issue that is beneath them. You see, I have to hide these weaknesses and failures. I can't stand seeing them. I am so incredibly quick to push issues to where I am unable to see them.
This really came to my attention the other day when my mom emailed me about this very topic. Here are snippets from her email:
"The other day I was thinking about you and your life and I wondered what it was that kept you from being truly content with yourself. None of us are perfect and we all have our own strengths and weaknesses. Both of these areas, 'strengths and weaknesses' are vital to a person’s well being. Strengths are easy, we love them, but the area of weakness, well, that gets a little more difficult to deal with. That’s where my thoughts of you and your life came to my mind."
(She had been trying to talk to me about a poor decision I had made)
"It was the weirdest thing, Jordan, I actually watched you transform before my eyes into this 7 year old kid who could not talk about it, and then you looked and acted as if you were having a breakdown. That really concerns me honey. You literally could not go to that place in your mind. Of course no one likes to look at their weaknesses or past failures, and sometimes it can hurt so much to face them. But Jordan, you’ve got to start learning how to deal with them."
"I think that once you’re able to “really” deal with your failures and weaknesses even to the point of being able to laugh at your shortcomings once in awhile, will not only add to your self esteem and the ability to love yourself warts and all, but will develop within you the beauty of humility that will be seen by those around you."
A punch to the gut eh? But I needed to hear it. And that brought me to Paul in 2 Corinthians 12. He says in verses 9 and 10,
"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
His power is made perfect in my weakness. I think of how much power I have been missing out on because I am unable to face my failures. In this chapter, Paul doesn't just say "admit" to his weaknesses...he says he boasts about them. Boasts. Meaning he made it very evident to everyone; and probably talked about them a lot. So many of my inner dark struggles have probably branched from the fact that I can't face my own shortcomings.
I get drained from trying to hide the sucky parts of my life. I don't want people to see them, and most of all, I don't want to see them. Paul says that he had this thorn in his side (who knows exactly what that was) and asked God three times to take it away, but the Lord told him that His grace was sufficient for Paul. We don't have to bear the weight of our sin. His grace is enough for me. I don't need to try so hard to hide my weaknesses. I need to learn to have Christ's power be made perfect through them.
So when I am weak, when I mess up, when I can't do it on my own...that is when I am strong because I need Him; the Almighty. This is a process, not just a change on a whim. It is something I am learning and working on. I struggle with it every single day. These rugs though? They have to go. How can I be made strong if my weaknesses and failures are hidden? Therefor I am in the process of, and challenge you as well to...
burn the rugs.
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